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I'm here without you
Faiz
RP year 2, environmental science
A complicated person with a big smile =) i suffer from dilemma almost every time, so HAHA
Saturday, July 5, 2008
【 10:31 PM 】
Life is so complex, like taking A-Math in secondary school. No matter how hard i try to solve it, it remains unsolved. I've tried so hard helping to change the whole situation, but i can't do it alone. Now the effort is worthless, and the uncertainty of things make it even harder. Sleeping in cold, no shelter at all is the most woeful thing ever. Putting newspaper on the cement ground, no blanket, no pillow, nothing to make your sleep a comfortable one. Sometimes, it's hard not to think about stuff that will bother your mind and soul, but it just appears. At times with friends, you can be so hype, but when you're in the train or bus home, all these memories makes you go wonder. Sometimes your heart tells you that something is going to happen, and your friends tell you that don't go with your intuition. Out of sudden, your intuition surface and nothing can help. Friends got worried instead of your family. Friends get pissed by your family decision, but you can't do anything, no power at all to change. You feel guilty telling your friends about all these, thinking that it might drag them down along especially her. You just got to know her and all these problems resurfaced. Well, now, you feel like backing off, knowing that they and her knew about your booze and drugs. You are afraid to meet those people, your bro, and her because all these while you are the one who tried to turn their negativity into something positive. You say you got nothing left to live for. But your friends try their best to change it around. You thank your friends for their kind help, but at the same time, will your friends, your bro and her will ever think the same about you. You wonder. You hope not, but obviously you know that they will. Your friends called you dumb for your actions, cuss you, but you don't know what else to do besides making yourself high on booze and drugs. You know it's not right, but your friends don't know what it feels like being kicked out of the house for a small mistake. To them it is a trivial matter, but to your parents it is not. You wonder and wander, what's left in life. What can you do? Your pack of clothes are packed into bags and nicely arranged outside your house. You can't do anything. In your mind, you asked why all these happen? Obviously, there are reasons but you can't stop thinking that it's just a small matter. The next thing you know, you are boozing more than a bottle. Your body temperature rises, making it worse because you can't sleep. So alternatively, you took pills to make your head spin so that your eyes will close and eventually sleep. Not done yet, you have to make space outside your house to sleep. With some things to bear in mind, you have to wake up before your neighbours leave for work. By the time, booze and drugs got you into a late night sleep. Barely 3 hours into sleep, you have to wake up and move to another place to sleep. Playground will be good, because no kids will be there early in the morning. Hopping from places to places, you just want to meet your friends, because at least you know that you've got something better to do rather to think about what happened. At the same time, you know everything will resumed after the meet-ups. Your friends called you stubborn and stuff, but after being kicked out, you don't want to create another fuss at someone else's home and feed the kick on the ass again. So you prefer going around looking for places to shelter, or sleep for the night, praying that you'll be going home the next day. You hope that you really have the courage to walk in and apologise for everything. But no, you've been apologising for years, and everything seems to be in a cycle. Now, you are sitting at MacDonald's, waiting for time to fly so that you can go somewhere to forget things. You know that none of your friends are involved in this despair moments, so you smiled, joked and laughed together with them. Worse thing is, you feel like doing what you did last night, but you know it's not worth the time. You hope, that money drops from the sky, so that you can do things that you like without disturbances. You thought you will be will be happy after short conversations with her, but it turned out to be awful. You don't expect any of these to happen. Last, You is like a fugitive now.
