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Faiz

RP year 2, environmental science

A complicated person with a big smile =) i suffer from dilemma almost every time, so HAHA

wassup people, i'm back. Kaye, I'M BACK.

Well, i'm supposed to meet my GF(ahhaha) tonight, but it didn't happen because of her well to be dad. We were looking forward to it, because we yearn for each other hug for a very long time. Since it didn't happen, i feel so shitty, because we were planning to have subway, take a lot of pictures, since we have zero pictures and it is a desperate call for that. Anticipating it since Monday, but it burn into ashes when you told me your dad had PMS(haha for a man). I wouldn't say i miss u, but it's just an unsureness in me when we are going to meet again.

I don't even know why her dad will think that, which is so unreasonable. It is really bothering me because, the relationship between me and my dad is not great, i can say it is really terrible and strained. I can understand what she feels, but what i don't understand, why can't she gain the trust? It is not that she did anything as bad as what i did in the past. It is true when money can really make people go blind. It really shuts the hell out of him. If you were my dad, things will go downhill. But you are not my dad which means i am fortunate enough.

Enough here, BYE!!

Well, first thing first, i have nothing against you nor your complaints. After all, we're friends, and i welcome every complaints you had. However, this particular problem is never ending, it is repetitive. You've been a friend to me, we have the passion for the same thing that is to work with animals, and we yearn for it, BADLY!!!

So here you go again complaining about your disbanded band. You know what it means, and it's been a while that this is happening. I've been keeping quiet about it because i think i have no say to what it is happening, because i am not directly involved, but this is getting ridiculous and stupid. Well, i've never blew up in front of you, until last night when you complained again.

Well, i'm just saying what i have to say long ago, and i knew this will happen from the start. It's like i've never been in a 'band'. I know this thing will happen, but mine ends when everything ends, but not yours. I don't understand why this is happening again and again. And you involve in it is so dumb, because i've never knew you would be dumb enough to get to the end of everything. You get caught in the middle, then in the end, you're bothered by everything. I don't know if it's true, i'm wondering does anyone else involved, get so bothered like you, or they make it so easy to let it pass through their life, and take it as if nothing happened, being ignorant, because from what i see, they don't bother that long unlike you.

I don't really know how to cheer you up anymore when you get bothered by all this bullshit. Last night, was the last of what i can take from your complaints. I can be harsher, but i didn't because of our friendship. If i was, i will never regret. Just for the record, i have no regret saying whatever i've said last night. So now this is me..

ok, i know i've been missing from here for a very long period of time. Not because i didn't want to update my blog. So much has happened, that i'm quite unsure what to blog about but i really want to blog this because it has bother me since the day i signed a piece of paper, people like Kaye, Ellen and whoever else knows. One states,"No going out with friends except for family".

So there were plans going back Malacca to visit relatives that i have not seen for years, i really mean years. I'm allowed to go when i first ask back in September. So someone called me whether i still wants to return to Malacca, so i said yes, but i have to ask for permission again since i've signed that piece of paper. Guess what, i can't go because of that piece of paper. Weird thing is, it says no going out with friends not family, so that someone who called is a family, and i am going back with her and my beloved grandma. Now, everything is gone, because the first thing i want to see when i get back to Malacca is my chinese aunt, who took care of me when i am young, after all, it's right to appreciate someone who tend to you when you're being an irritating kid, i mean naughty.

I know it is my fault, but c'mon, i've never been to a holiday except for Johor, but it is not even a holiday. So ridiculous, really is. C'mon, i've accepted the fact that all these was my fault, but you people don't really understand my problem with school. Now, i am trying to make myself attend school by reducing my working days, my activities outside school. None of my friends made me skipped me school, i did it on my own, no one psycho-ed me to skip school. No right to blame my friends, instead they encourage me to come school. People from W54M have been encouraging me to school, directly or indirectly. I felt so much better being in class and start doing things even though deep in my heart, it kept saying the same thing about how my school doesn't give the best towards environmental science students.

However, i think i have to do my part to find the linkage between the modules i am taking and my course. If not, i'll get a diploma but with nowhere to go. I need to buck up on my UT which have been bad, really bad. I hope i get everything out of my head after this blog entry.

And and BGR, i've been in this level whereby i am afraid to get close to a girl. I'm scared shit of getting close to girls, either i'll disappoint myself or the other part, but it has been me getting disappointed. Therefore, all i can do, is to admire the presence of the girl, if God willing, why not. I hope things in my past relationship won't occur in the future. And like what i told Asima, i have to switch my mindset. only she knows what i mean. LOL

Adios....

Okay, first. School have been dreadful, really dreadful. People like Ellen and Kaye is feeling it too. We're all doing environmental science and we think none of us is feeling that we're doing the right thing in our school. We're learning nothing related to our course except for environmental science which is fun with crazy people in class. More than that, i've never wanted to go class. And now i've receive warning letter, and what the FUCK!! That is so ridiculous.

I think if an education centre wants to start a new course, then they should be prepared with everything that they need to educate the students who is enrolling into that course. BUT NO!! INSTEAD THEY MAKE US LEARN SHIT, ALTHOUGH IT'S QUITE GOOD, BUT NOTHING IS RELATED TO ENVIRONMENTAL SCIENCE. WHY MAKE US LEARN PHASE DIAGRAM, ATP + Pi, and what else. C'mon, that is so general, c'mon, make us learn what it has to do wtih our course, more in depth.

And sorry to ellen, and kaye for not updating this blog. hehehe.

I keep telling myself the same thing but i can't do it. C'mon Faiz, you can do it. Tell yourself that she don't deserve any of these and instead of going nasty, you should support her after months of hell. Instead of that, i add to her sorrows but what can i do? All i wanted to do is to convey my feelings, but i think i lost my cool.

Now, i wished i never have said all those words. Too bad, it's too late. Sometimes, i don't dare to look into her eyes. Sometimes i don't dare to even text her or meet her in the morning. All these things are running through my mind. I hope it don't get the better of me like how it did on Tuesday night.

Well,l, i sent u a song online. I hope you know what the song is saying. Some of the words are meant for you. Have been appreciating your presence and friendship. Hola..

Things went nasty and awful for both of us. I couldn't accept some of her reasoning, and it really got me twisted and i was really mad. In class, i swear, even Amir and the rest was shocked to see my tantrums. I swear my face was extremely red, as if it is boiled up. I think i got worked up over a sentence, and well, it took a toll on me.

I'm sorry if you're upset over my words and actions. I promise you nothing of this will ever happen again. I wish certain things never happen, but too bad, fate brought us together. Maybe it is the wrong time, but i hope after last night incident, we understand each other better. Likewise, i will cherish every moments we had together. I hope you do too. For now, i can look through you not into you. Sorry seems to be the hardest word, but i am really sincere in my apology. Never going into this situation again, i swear.

This song is stuck in my head for months. Well, maybe that babi Ellen influence me to like it. Well, no credits to her because i let myself fall for this song. Honestly, the lyrics of this song influenced me to listen to it again, again and countless again. These few weeks, i have been listening to what my heart says not what my head says. It is more of mind over matter. Well, i've always put matter over mind, but i'm not going to let it happen again to me and the people around me.

I'm brave enough to open my heart and sincere feelings i had for her and the situation around us. I admit i like you and there will be small feelings for you that is beyond control. At first i thought it is okay, but after long thoughts and confiding into friends, i just felt that it is unsuitable for me to do this shit anymore. I don't want to get my feelings tangled up, and before i know, i've grown fond of you which i prefer not. I told you that things between us won't work out if anything happen but it seems things are different now. I can take the presence, but it feels like how me, G and another guy goes through. Now, it is happening again, and i tell you the very reason why i backed off. I don't want any tensions between you and him. Well, at least i am being fair to myself, i guess or more towards them. At least i am refraining myself from being trap into love that eventually i thought it will work, but in the end, nothing fruitful happen. And yc, that lead to my decision. I know you are upset over this, i am pissed and upset over my decision. I am not trying to imply anything, but i love you as a friend and i hate losing a friend. Sometimes, i wish i didn't get close to you over the month, and maybe this wouldn't happen. Fate brought us together, and i shall not complain about it.

As much as i want to back off, my body can't just pull away from you when i see you around. I don't know if i am playing around with my feelings, but i swear, i can't help but to cuddle you, tickle you, and be mean to you. Sometimes i feel that my heart is going against my body. When i cuddle you, my heart tell me not to, but you're like an old teddy bear, even though it is old, it is still cuddly, and huggable. It is inevitable, but i know i have to reduce the consumption of your cuddle. I love the moments, like how your friend says that i should just be like how i am with you now, and stop backing off. But sorry, i have to stick on my principles. Let see how thing goes on.

"This heart it beats for only you". i wish i have the courage to say these words to you.

dorinda
edith
farhana
jac
melody
pei ling
jerlyn
nurul
azie
farhanah
khad
bavani
ellen
holden
felicia
kay
jenifer
amelia
yc
jia min


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